Ben

nebster @ 2007-04-12T00:15:00

2007-04-12T04:18:14Z

So it goes.

Oh, you know. Just a story.

2006-09-30T05:25:32Z

I'll admit that my mouth was a bit parched. I could have used some water while I waited by the window, tapping beats with a fork while singing a favorite tune in my head. Trying to get the waiters attention was too much to think about at that point. I just won't swallow for a while, I thought, and accumulate enough saliva to hold me over.

My thoughts were bogged down by doubt and hesitation. I tried checking my hair in the window, but the white car parked outside made it impossible to see my reflection. Using the bathroom mirrors wasn't an option either, since having to go later on for real would look suspicious to other customers. My fingers would have to do it on their own.

Sigh. A blind date was something new to me. I'd been out plenty of times with girls who lacked 20/20 vision, but I'd always seen them before that first date. I tried rationalizing that not knowing whether she was attractive ahead of time would put me at ease. My mouth was still dry.

Jingle-jingle. A bell on the door rang for every new patron. Jingle-dingle-jangle. She promised to pin a 6 inch heart on the right center of her chest so I would know who she was.

Jongle-dangle-ding. Ba-boom. She opened the door and my heart beat loudly as soon as I saw the heart. Jongle-wongle-dingaling. Badda-booma. Eye contact was followed by mutual waves of recognition. She smiled.

She apologized. "I'm so sorry," she said, "so sorry." She apologized twice.

"My name is Richard."

"I'm sorry?"

"My name is Richard."

"Oh, no, I was just apologizing again, Richard." She was already using my name.

"It's alright," I reassured her. "What is your name?"

"Caitlin."

"Well, Caitlin, how about we order some food." I was surprisingly suave for that moment, but what next. One thousand possible questions ran through my mind while my sense of time slowed to a glacial pace. Does she like airplanes? What did she do for Labor Day last year? Who washes her car, if she have one? Those wouldn't work. I kept thinking.

Bingo.

"So, Caitlin, what are your favorite hobbies?"

She hesitated, as though she was carefully arranging an answer to impress me. "Well, I, uh, I like to read books, tend to a garden that I have on my window sill, and work out at the gym. What about you?"

I was disappointed. She couldn't come up with her own unique question? Unfortunately I was puzzled by how to best answer. How could I be tripped up by my very own question? What would a green-thumbed, athletic, book-worm want in a man?

I grasped for straws, but realized we didn't even have our drinks yet. Maybe I could tell her how thirsty I was.

No. Answering her question was a must. It was the perfect time to test the book I just finished, "The Encyclopedia of Romance and Dating." I had it conveniently situated on my lap in case of any emergencies.

But back to the question I was faced with.

"Well, Caitlin," making sure to use her name for the third time, "I like cooking gourds, petting dogs, and, um... dating." I waited, disgusted, to see if my hesitation had cost me sincerity points.

Her eyebrows slowly lowered and the smile gradually faded as her expression morphed into one I had seen many times before. I had to take out the book. Flopping the 2,000+ pages down on the table, I turned to the 'Troubleshooting' chapter.

Something needed to be done if I was ever going to touch her velvet skin. I wiped a dozen beads of sweat off my forehead, wetting my bangs.

"Please excuse me, Caitlin."

The chair screeched on the wooden floor and I left the restaurant with book in hand. Ding-alongadong-bajingle. All that was left of me in the restaurant was the reverberation of that bell. Shingodong-wizong-bingading.

About thirty minutes later I felt bad after realizing I made her wait 30 minutes, which was half of an hour. I had a feeling Caitlin would forgive any delay once she received my surprise.

After composing myself, I gracefully walked back into the restaurant, everyone turning to see who tolled the bell. Blering-dedingading-dongbongwong.

Caitlin greeted me with a half-smile. I'm not sure what the other half was. It may have been anticipation, but it definitely wasn't happiness or romance.

"Here you are, Caitlin," I said, casually mentioning her name for the fifth time.

"Oh, you really shouldn't have," she said, in a serious reprimanding voice. Little did she know how excited she would never be.

A dozen roses, a heart of chocolate treats, and a handwritten poem all greeted her brilliant blue eyes. I waited for her to start figuratively melting in her seat. She starred at everything, her eyes darting to and fro the three delights.

Eight minutes later, the starring became awkward enough to reach critical mass.

"So, you like the presents, Caitlin?" Six name mentions. That should be enough.

"No, seriously, you shouldn't have done this. I can't accept these gifts."

I was frozen in a vat of confusion, melancholy, anger, and lust. I managed to thaw my lips.

"But why not?"

"I don't want to say, you will probably get angry."

I raised my eyebrows and stretched a smile as far across my face as possible. "Oh don't worry. I couldn't get angry at you!" I said, hoping she wouldn't be able to see past the facade. Because honestly, if there was one thing I was great at, it was going into a blind rage.

"Ok, I guess I can tell you."

I thanked my facade, while she continued.

"I'm a writer for 'Zagat's Dating Guide: NYC Men 2007.' I don't like gardening and my name isn't even Caitlin, it's Kaitlyn."

Wow. I was very angry. Luckily it made me forget about how thirsty I was, which prevented a compounding effect.

"I am very angry," I explained.

"But you are still smiling."

How embarrassing. My facade was still up. I instantly dropped my eyebrows and created a scowl that would embarrass the scariest looking owl. So much so that the owl would become angry. So much so that it would make a scowl greater than mine.

"Is this better, Kaitlyn?" I scowled. That probably just counts as one name mention, even though I was misled about her name and she answered to 'Caitlin'. "I trusted you," I explained.

"I'm sorry, but I guess your anger is the price I pay for my line of work."

I figured I should make the best of the situation.

"Well, Kaitlyn," I started, while taking out the 2006 edition of the 'Zagats Dating Guide: NYC Men' and flipping to page 173,095, "why was I listed as cheap, generally silly, and poorly groomed in the 2006 edition of your BOOK?!"

"I have no idea, Richard. I only have control over my own reviews. It's possible that was the impression you gave whoever reviewed you."

"Oh, don't give me that! I'm sure you all talk to one another in the bathroom! Who reviewed me?" I demanded in the form of a question.

"I have no idea. There are over 3 million men in the NYC area to review each year, it could have been any one of us."

I don't remember the last time I was handed a basket full of bull-dung that heavy. Like she didn't remember every one of those men and which of those girls reviewed them. I was still angry. I don't even remember if I was still thirsty.

For things to work now, I'd need the facade back.

"It's ok, Kaitlyn."

"Really? You still look pretty angry."

That god damned facade. I quickly put it back up.

"Yea, it's ok," I paused dramatically, "because you are on the Totally Hidden Camera television show!"

Her face went from one certain look to a different look. At the end of a series of different expressions she looked happy and embarrassed.

"Oh my gosh, I figured something was up!" she figured, "Where are the cameras?"

"Oh, you know. They're around."

She laughed.

"I know, but where?"

"Around."

"This is really a hidden camera show?"

"Yes," I emphasized emphatically.

"Ok..."

I got up and bolted for the door, taking all my belongings except the gifts, which I begrudgingly left for Kaitlyn. Duhringperlong-jinglejanglejongle-bejadinglingwingsing. On the sidewalk and away from Kaitlyn it was safe to laugh.

I was spitting and contorting my face with thunderous guffaws. I cackled all the way back to my apartment.

Finally, it was the little guys turn. I had won.

Contractual Obligation

2006-06-30T18:31:14Z

If you comment on this post:
1. i’ll respond with something random about you
2. i’ll challenge you to try something
3. i’ll pick a color that i associate with you
4. i’ll tell you something i like about you
5. i’ll tell you my first/clearest memory of you
6. i’ll tell you what animal you remind me of
7. i’ll ask you something i’ve always wanted to ask you
8. if i do this for you, you must post this on yours

Article from new website I made

2005-11-07T04:23:30Z

A Gentleman's Guide To Suicide

Introduction

Let's face it, thousands of people kill themselves everyday. Many are guilt ridden, trapped in an unloving relationship, or have become overwhelmed by the futility of life. While we fully understand the need to put an end to things, there is simply no excuse for being impolite. True gentlemen know that it takes careful planning to ensure that your special day is pulled off with just the right mixture of class, manners, and courtesy. We've compiled some essential advice to ensure that your suicide will be remembered for its refined execution. Remember to keep these words of wisdom in your mind at all times: "suicide isn't about me, it's about everyone but me".

Chapter 1: Preparation

Find someone exactly like you

The second most common complaint about suicides is that people miss the person that dies. For this reason, the first part of your preparation should include finding and befriending someone exactly like you, and then introducing him or her to all your friends. Be sure to teach this person all your classic catchphrases and memorable stories, and if everything goes well, your friends should barely notice your absence.

Timing is everything

Why make people grieve twice? If you plan your suicide for a day usually associated with mourning (9/11, Memorial Day), family and friends can get all their grieving done at once. This also has the bonus of leading everyone to believe that your friends and family are particularly sensitive to others' tragedies.

Avoid dangerous situations

Now that you have your date all set, it is even more important than usual to make sure that you do not die prematurely. Use your seatbelt when driving, quit smoking, and open all cans with an automatic can opener.

The rest of this useful guide can be found at www.BoopHumor.com

you may say i'm a dreamer

2004-09-19T06:36:33Z

The current presidential election is magnifying what is tragically wrong with the American political system. Aside from the myriad checks and influence peddling, we can no longer sort through the piles of spin that each party spews daily. I don't believe I am being biased when I point out one side, the Republican side, is far superior in spinning and public relations. With the current media situation and campaign regulations it is hard to blame them for taking the greatest advantage possible. If you can stay on message as often as Republicans do, then you are rewarded with a unified message reaching the electorate. Democrats seem to have a hard time adhering to their talking points and Senator Kerry can be blamed for not presenting a unified message and not declaring a firmer position on the most important issues of this election.

The tragedy is that this election, like many others around the nation each November, will be decided not on who has the best ideas and whose policies will help the most, but by who spun the best, who took advantage of free media the best, and whose negative ads were most effective. The effects of all three of these utilities can clearly be seen for the presidential election. Does Kerry "flip-flop"? Yes, and so does President Bush, but Democrats didn’t spend millions on "flip-flop" ads and they hardly ever mention Bush's flip flops in media interviews. Would Kerry make us less safe? I would find it hard for either candidate to not defend us to the best of their abilities, yet this theme and the "flip-flop" theme have been ingrained into the minds of so many voters, even Kerry supporters, as a result of the relentless Republican campaign machine.

Democrats are only less guilty than Republicans as a result of their ineptitude and inability to perform as well as Republicans in these elections. Democrats would jump at the opportunity to have the public believe more twisted facts about Republicans and Bush, however their attempts never gain much traction due to their haphazardness. The recent pouncing on the CBS memos by Democrats shows their desperation to get a negative message on Bush to stick in voters minds, which obviously backfired when it turned out they are most likely forgeries.

As a result of these dishonest campaign strategies there is no longer discussion on policies, instead we will see the debates turn into a spinning war. Each candidate will try to twist a fact into every possible shape other than an outright lie, and then present it's new distorted form to the public.

The House and Senate are rabidly anti-bipartisan and people seem to be digging deeper into opposing Republican or Democratic trenches. This damages the political system since so few people thoroughly investigate individual issues, instead choosing to pick their party's position and the spun statements to support their stance. And all too often these positions are chosen based on policies that will best benefit the most powerful lobbies in order to help retain the incumbents power.

The only real solution to this inefficient and ineffective political system is for people to gain as much non-partisan information about every issue themselves and choose the best solution, not just their parties solution. Nothing is more painful than hearing a rural resident of a Midwestern state repeating something like "John Kerry is just a flip-flopping liberal" when asked why they are voting for Bush or an urban student screaming about a "War for Oil" in an anti-Bush rally. Neither of these statements are very close to the truth and merely make each person look absurd to the other.

One of the most amazing statistics from the polls is that a majority of the voters in every poll say that we are on the wrong track as a nation, about 10 points more than those who say we are on the right track, and yet the Republican spin machine has almost disqualified Kerry in the minds of millions of voters through deceptive, yet affective, ads. Until we punish politicians for being deceptive they will continue to keep pushing harder and harder towards the line of outright lying. If they aren't going to be called on it, then why not? Anyone repeating information from either campaign as though it is the truth is doing a disservice to everyone else. Those non-partisans who fact check every press release, every ad, and every speech are the Band-Aids we really need for this system. Not until everyone cares what the truth really is will we be able to prosper in a political system driven by real issues and not public relation personnel.

nebster @ 2004-09-09T01:10:00

2004-09-09T05:10:19Z

olives, anyone?

Satire

2004-04-30T15:09:40Z

1. Spin yourself around in a circle for 5 minutes.

2. Write down your favorite memory of those 5 minutes.

3. Spell it backwards.

4. Take out the 3rd, 9th, and 17th letters and insert Q, R, and S, respectively.

5. Say it out loud 5 times.

6. Post in your LJ in bold large letters and then have everyone reply with 10 questions about your sexual history, but only if you paste these exact directions in YOUR LJ!

7. Be extremely amused by what you wind up with.

"deQh ym gnRttih dna Swod gnillaF"

Hilarious!!

nebster @ 2004-03-16T16:35:00

2004-03-16T21:47:46Z

is the goal of co-writing a movie funnier and with more layers than the holy grail setting the bar too high?

the truths (a.k.a. the most depressing entry)

2004-02-22T07:40:19Z

My chest does knot up when I get very upset. My chest also knots up with very high blood sugar levels and when I recognize failure. I presume that the later is why my chest is constantly tied up.

It is funny how much effect sociology can have on me when I have only attended two of the classes so far this year. Goffman seems to have had it right all along. There is no authentic self. We are all actors in a drama and all complete social constructs. We give and take every idea and nuance from one another. One day more than a year ago I saw a poster with an adorable mouse that read "Olive You" and started using that phrase with a few close friends from Carmel. I find a year later more than a few people whom I never speak to use it frequently. The same goes for boop, beyoink, and other assorted exclamations of the beep kind, which I absorbed from Matt Moskovciak. Not only with words, but these patterns are true with clothing, mannerisms, and hairstyles. I have seen past friends become almost mirror images of new people they grew close with. I find even myself becoming eerily similar in mannerisms to people I spend much time with. This leads me to ask what is ever truly original? Those who give much effort to becoming original always begin to take on the same appearance as each other in their crazy hairstyles or hip underground music that "no one" knows about. Not even Jesus is original, his story was a story told a thousand years before they even started writing his biography. A virgin birth, even with the same date (look up information on Roman Mithraism). Everything that came after the first thing just seems to be a take off on the original. The "Original." There is one central idea to everything that has ever come from man and from that has come society, which then creates us. With that said I must note that the previous statements are only negative if we assume originality or authenticity are intrinsically good. And that seems to ironically be a very trendy and unoriginal belief.

The second unpleasant truth is that every single action taken is to advance the status and/or well-being of the person taking the action. Even the most genuine Nun is being nice because it happens to be her end of the bargain, a bargain that has her remaining with God after the Rapture. Is it possible that the only true act of kindness can come from those who have no invested interest in an afterlife that mandates kindness? That sounds possible however those who are agnostic/athiest are still trying to better their self images so that the world will be nicer to them in return. I believe if you look hard enough and honestly enough a motive that betters yourself can be found behind every action you take. Even the action of trying to explain away ulterior motives has in itself the motive to erase a possibly guilty conscience that's afraid to see the truth. And say you do admit to ulterior motives, well then you took that action to feel better that you were honest and you may believe that being honest will make yourself looked upon as a better person. Even donating anonymously to a charity gives you a positive feeling of satisfaction in return, possibly even more than donating with your name, since you believe you were that much cooler about it. I certainly can not fathom an action that does not have some positive return for the person involved in initiating the action. I would be pleased to hear if another can come up with one.

Regardless, we are still stuck with the third truth. The third truth being that there is no free will. That every movement or thought that comes from your body is determined based upon your current environment, your past, and your genetic makeup. Just think about your own thought process in more detail. You are there, and you are thinking about something. You have a thought and you think it "out loud". However, there was a time right before that thought where you weren't thinking it. But, then there is the exact moment you think it. What happens between the time the thought doesn't exist and the time you thought it? It appears that you have no control over that or any thought entering your mind. Your brain comes up with thoughts and you spontaneously think them in what seems to be a natural thought process that you control. But, we can see that whenever you have a new thought there was never a time where you were "creating" the thought, new thoughts just pop into your mind. And when you realize your thoughts are what control your actions you can see how you don't have true control over your actions in the end. This is really the most humbling and unfathomable truth there is. Constantly lurking in the back of my mind. No matter how much I am sure of its validity it is nearly impossible for my mind to allow the truth to sink in. Instead, it bypasses my mind and creates a knot in my chest.

I would love for anyone to be able to disprove any of these truths becuase that would be much easier on the mind. And easier on the knot.

nebster @ 2004-02-16T23:14:00

2004-02-17T04:12:46Z


Marriage is love.

the end

2003-04-04T01:20:58Z

so this will be my last post.

this guy was driving down the road with penguins in his car and got pulled over. the cop told him to take the penguins to the zoo. the next day the same guy with the same penguins got pulled over again by the same cop. the cops tells him again to bring the penguins to the zoo. the guy tells him 'i did, and today im taking them to a yankees game.'

two years of posting. but it now doesn't seem to be necessary or helpful or, most importantly, enjoyable. i have become open to more people than when i was a junior in high school.

i think i can confront people, compliment people, and discuss ideas with people without using posts. although i have discovered many people don't like confrontation.

everyone seems to be cryptic in their posts now-a-days and not knowing what anyone is talking about most of the time seems silly. i've been cryptical myself in a majority of my posts, but i have realized no one enjoys posts that they can not understand.

i suppose that journals aren't for other peoples pleasure, but if not for anyone else i should just write things down for myself somewhere else. i used to post poems that i wrote, until i realized how much i hated them.

i think the few people who care about me, know what is going on in my life. i don't think other people are interested with what is going on with me. and i don't need to be reminded of being ignored constantly. but, it is not an old theme. i suppose i am not very interesting.

i really try hard to make my friends as happy as i can. i don't know if you can try too hard. maybe the only reason people talk to me IS because i am online alot.

this one isn't long enough for me to hate:

Two years wander past you
Like stranger’s faces
In a crowd of days.

one last time to be cryptic:
someone needs to get over themselves and into caring more. someone needs to smile more and open up. someone needs to cut some slack. someone needs to give people a chance. someone needs to be more real. someone needs to be mine. someone needs to calm down. someone needs to be proud of themselves. someone needs more friends. maybe someone is you and you and you. or maybe it is just you, but probably not.

ha.

well, that's all i wrote.

buh bye

well...

2003-03-21T07:18:12Z

word

i suppose...

2003-03-12T03:29:08Z

everything is odd.

maybe not after spring break.

wow

2003-03-04T06:41:33Z

just can't beat 0.02

but i can beat me.

i love it.

everyone should watch dead poets society... again.

2003-02-23T07:20:46Z

so...
carpe diem.
apparently the full quote is "carpe diem, quam minimum credula postero", meaning "seize the day, trusting little in tomorrow"

i suppose it is a good philosophy in theory. however, i do not think it is possible to live out the theory of carpe diem to it's fullest potential in reality. it may be possible to sustain for a few days or maybe a few weeks, but everything seems to return to pre-carpe-diem efforts and/or less than the best effort, in due time. other than those who have had extreme life altering experiences.

a place where carpe diem definitely doesn't seem to belong is in relations/actions with those you desire. most likely because you seem to have the least control over things in this area. it is yes or no. and if it is no, seizing the day and going all out will rarely work, if ever.

but on the flip side. continued successful use of the carpe diem life style could easily make a person more attractive to others. knowing that a person makes the most of everything seems like something others would want to be around. so carpe diem would work over the long term, but not so much when used in vying for affections that seem to not be returned.

i've had many a burst of the carpe diem syndrome. actually syndrome makes it seem negative. so maybe 'carpe diem'-ality is a better expression. where i suddenly try to make the most out of everything in my life. and it always feels great. but i just can't sustain it. always room to doubt myself. always reasons to.

maybe i will get it again. maybe ignoring doubt is necessary.

and why not try?
it's already tomorrow.

a........k

2003-02-21T05:38:31Z

up and down trough tones so soft. rushing down when it was opened. only for a few long instances.
thoughts blooming on fertile persuasions. so relaxing and new. fresh breeze to stagnant relations.
sedated experiences in monotony. perusing the past with double guesses while threading lives together.
certain lives reject. walking briskly through their glares.
certain lives produce. crawl through their open mouths.
hammer molds 'til nothing fits. crying down upon scarlet words. eagerness alluded to beauty.
eagerness and beauty replace the not-so-eager and plain-good-looks. where the inside throws the white flag and the outside prevails.
some kind of spell during susceptible times. forces me to enjoy every minute. and i do. but it is only out of desire to not desire.
both dangle by a mind-numbing thread.
waiting for psychosis to tear either down.
ripped to conclusion.
honestly.

hahaa

2003-02-18T05:32:41Z

boom static on the reservoir. lincoln rode around in circles for days before the judgment called him to arms. and to think that yesterday held this in it's soft hands

.

charming used to mean believable, in some ways. i wish i was able to throw them back into a heaping pile. of course that was what they wanted.

i enjoy it when the best thing that ever happens to me happens to me. maybe.

blow it right out and into reality. where the winking persuades another answer out of the rejuvenated juke box. bling bling goes the trolley, in the ghetto.

right about now is when it started. and then tomorrow it ended. but i'm not there yet.

almost to that, maybe, point, maybe, that, maybe.

w
ord.
up.

----- --------------------0000000000000000000000000000000

hmmm:

(a) evil genius
(b) perception
(c) uncertainty

there was a line up for small crimes and misdemeanors. always thought it was mr. meaner. that would be a cruel nickname. some people can be dirtier. yes, some people.

it is really hard to resist what others want, almost demand you resist. because i like it, but dont want others to not like me because of what i like. fruit of the loom. or of the garden of eden since it's off limits. ow ow ow ow ow owwwwwwww.

plug poetry... entry... enter... yes... too late.

wow, it is true what they say about her. never noticed it before. and that would be why.

y
(TI)me
t*g*

7th night of resolution. are you really counting? 3 8 4 029 48 2 192 38 372 83 32 0, what do they mean to you? to me they are my round about living. whatever that means

this message will never self destruct. impossible.

maybe i really was waiting all my life for this moment to arise.
maybe i still am?
the ball is in a court,

capeesh.
delicious.

nebster @ 2003-02-16T16:56:00

2003-02-16T21:57:11Z

im dyin

mr. folds deserves the name ben

2003-02-12T04:26:37Z

"You'll try and try and one day you'll fly, away from me"

this is pointless. whenever i do this --->.

"still fighting it" mmm. but i have some good friends who have been helping me. maybe they care. i am always restructuring. skeptical of true care.

i can not wait to see mr. folds on the 6th of april. already.

open-close

maybe i just need a great escape. no care. or maybe care.

but i will wait, like annie waits. "for the last time".
"Annie says 'You see this is why I'd rather be alone.'"

nah...

nebster @ 2003-02-08T17:41:00

2003-02-08T22:43:46Z

being melancholy makes me sleepy.

i will return in due time

2003-02-03T16:30:39Z

analysis;
decisions;
in
utter silence

olives

nebster @ 2003-02-01T12:14:00

2003-02-01T17:15:07Z

a sad day.

"It's no secret that the stars are falling from the sky
It's no secret that our world is in darkness tonight"

MLK- U2

2003-01-26T07:09:00Z

Sleep
Sleep tonight
And may your dreams
Be realized
If the thunder cloud
Passes rain
So let it rain
Rain down on him
So let it be
So let it be

Sleep
Sleep tonight
And may your dreams
Be realized
If the thundercloud
Passes rain
So let it rain
Let it rain
Rain on him

nebster @ 2003-01-26T01:26:00

2003-01-26T06:28:16Z

nothing to complain about at this time. i am happy with the way things are now. 'not the same' is a great song. and now it is playing and i am happy. it took a while, but now i know my role.

every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end

2003-01-20T15:25:26Z

back at cornell. it is cold.

but i have gotten used to cold.